inspiration gone missing

red alert -- i think the worst has materialized. i've certainly realized it by now.

as those who have lived my recent life along side me, i've maintained a rather extended detachment from traditional milestones and connections. i've been on the run for a while now. i find it exciting and keeps my attention. grad school now means a settled residency, a taboo to my houdini escapades -- but somehow i was directed to an incredibly ideal living situation in what i think of as the best neighborhood on the continent.

thanks for the pointer, universe, loves it.

but holding true to myself, even with this final cashing in of overdue address karma, i'm still skeptical. i guess i've spent the last two weeks floating, but the buzz has diminished. it could have been aided by minor professional, social and familial glitches today. i fell a little bummed, off balance, and generally dissatisfied.

it reminded me of my most recent writing mantra only fools are satisfied. i spent two great weeks as a fool. what a nice rest. but that's really no indicator that i woke up one day cured of cynicism, feeling entirely carefree and was destined to remain that way forever and ever, amen. no, i took my lack of internal peace for a walking meditation around stanley park this afternoon and came to the captain obvious observation of the day: i need some sort of conflict to keep me engaged. when i had those two weeks of bliss, i spent all my free time in the gym, reading, treating myself to elaborate bathing rituals, and watching tv shows on dvd with my roommate.

that's nice, but that's not enough. thanks to that factor, i express my inspiration. it's when my inspiration goes missing that i become concerned.

i'm concerned, but keeping my eyes open. i'm waiting on you, muse. waiting.